And now for something completely different...

First off for those who were wondering about my feel bad post, all is well now. Anyway I have completed two weeks of the second semester and honestly they haven't been bad. I'm taking plenty of classes to keep myself occupied and no one has severely pissed me off yet. However I came home this weekend which stirred up a whole lot of interesting feelings. I know it is probably not healthy but I am constantly competing with my two younger brothers and by my count they both have a pretty big jump on me. Don't get me wrong I love them and I want them to succeed, but is it wrong of me to not want them to succeed at everything. Take John for instance he is probably going to play varsity baseball this year, a sport I played for thirteen years and is actually something I hated doing mostly because of my father but that's for another post. John is taking four honors or AP classes next year. He got inducted into NHS, something I missed by .01. He has the favoritism of my father. He is not a bad looking kid and will definitely go to a better college then me. The worst of it is I feel he has no need for me. I have always placed myself out there for aid if either of my brothers would need and John never came to collect. Danny is also doing much better then I ever did. He is excelling at track, a sport I played for four years and was varsity but it came at a huge price IE my pride. Danny is also taking AP History next year, another class I took and he will probably do better then me there as well. What it boils down to everything I have done my two younger brothers do better. It is almost as if I have no talent to myself. I like to think I am a good writer, and I always had that on John, but now I find that its not that I am better I just like it more. He is in fact an excellent poet. Some of his sonnets he wrote, at record speed I might add, are wonderful. Its just I don't have anything to call my own. I feel like the vanilla kid, you know nothing special. I am far to sensitive to everything they say or do. I am almost at the verge if signing up for ARMY ROTC next year and just going to fight because I know that that is something they would never do. The one thing I want to do, but have no support in, is act. I have told my parents this and while my father laughed my mother explained to me that I do not have the chops for it and even if I did there is no guarantee that I could even make me happy. So I'm sticking to business and and I'm sure that is a lovely career, but I do not know if Ill be happy. I lied before when I said all is well. Socially everything is fine but I am beginning to feel numb. I have been alone for so very long and its hurts no more than ever. I'm just looking for a break in anything. I just want something to call my own, something I can show my family and say "See I am worth while". I need for me to be in a play, or meet the girl of my dreams, or save an old man from a burning building. Anything to get a reaction from my family besides "That's neat". I have above average ambitions but all I keep doing is achieving average goals . I don't know why I am so needy, I don't know why anytime my father says something in any matter other than positive, and those statements are few and far between, I feel sick to my stomach like I did something wrong. I have this constant feeling that I should be apologizing for something, or that I'm at the verge of getting caught after doing something bad. Its a feeling of discomfort, one of self doubt. I just chop myself down so much that I look to other people for praise and it doesn't come. But what is there for me to do. I have been like this forever, and I don't see myself changing. I just work myself up towards an outcome and when I achieve that goal I feel no satisfaction. I feel trepidation. Its a fear of being bested. Its a fear of me being beaten by the two people that shouldn't beat me. I know I can not be better than my brothers at everything but cant I get one thing to have. One thing to hold for myself and yes hold over their heads, because lord knows they do it to me. And its not just them, I am just afraid of becoming nothing. I have greatness on my mind but there is nothing for me to be great at. I will never be renowned at something. Never be an expert. It is one thing to want greatness and have something to be great at. I'm in a class all alone, I want greatness but have nothing. I have things I'm good at but nothing to say hey this is my topic, this is my area of knowledge. I don't get that feeling one would completing the task of their expertise. I am a bright kid but I just feel bound to be minuscule. I just wish to do something and have onlookers say "Wow he is really good at that". Is that so wrong. Is it so bad to want others to admire me. I'm not even asking to be good at everything just one. I don't know, these are foolish thoughts and I should brush them away. But this is the truth and its something that may even inhibit my actions one day, or I'm past that part and on the acceptance route. Either way I don't like the outcome, both lead to my decent into obscurity. I don't know, we will see how it pans out. I'll be alright.

So it goes,
Steve