Its Been Awhile Hasn't It?

Well I'm back. Where did I go, nowhere just lazy. For those of you new this is really just a place for me to vent and put some ideas out there nothing good but if you're looking for something to read then sure why read this. Here's whats been going on since I last posted...Kurt Vonnegut died, I got into Rutgers, school has one more week, I wrote three short stories, I found some new music, I saw some new movies, I changed my major, I read some books, I got flustered with myself, I got happy with myself, I got indifferent. Nothing basically defines me right now. Nothing completely new, nothing old. I am longing for the summer to just become me for a change. I need this time to do some serious refurbishments on my mind, body and soul. I want to find someone who will sleep in the same bed as me. As I said before I got into Rutgers. I will be going there in the fall and if all goes well for the rest of my academic career. What new things will this school bring me? Hopefully some self confidence, a significant other, a new lease on life. I don't think I've ever been more prepared for a relationship. As of now I'm OK with myself and I haven't been that in a long time, so we will see about that. I'm at the point where I finally love myself enough to love another person. Where she is I don't know? Hopefully Rutgers, at least New Jersey. I've found out that I can be charming when I want to and funny when I don't try. There is something about the opposite sex that really gets a rise outta me. See I was trying to be funny there and it probably didn't work. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, which is an analogy that there are plenty of girls out there and that one or two or fifteen strike outs doesn't mean you're out of the game. Good, I guess. Do you want to know my real problem? It's the same thing in everything I do, I try to please other people long before myself. If I think my friend will have a better chance than me with a girl then I step aside and don't try. Maybe I'll stop stepping aside. Confidence is as much as a inner feeling as it is a physical manifestation. So what to do now but wait until I am placed in a position to do such a thing. Another thing I want to try this summer is a reconnection of old friends. I feel like I've distanced myself over the past school year and believe me it wasn't intentional. It was my apathetic ways creeping up again. I think the next four months will be good for me and those who still like to associate themselves with me. I'm getting there, the point of my true-self. It's taken a lot longer than most people but I think this change will be good. This blog will become a more regular thing, I need to practice my writing. Maybe I'll put some of the short stories on here and if I could get feedback that would be a really cool move. I realized that my prose isn't as bad as I thought, I have a style unlike most. It is digressive and I use the whole spectrum of vocabulary. There will be modest words that everyone knows and then out of the blue I will come out with some advanced sentence that when read seems like it doesn't fit but trust me it does. The thing about me is: I'm something of a romantic. I've been looking for a dramatic lifestyle all my life. I want my life to be reflected on the screen and vice verse. But doesn't everyone see their life as a movie at some point? If not well then hall me off to the loony bin because I am constantly rearranging my view to be more cinematic. I need to start making things happen for myself instead of waiting to see if there is some script of my life. Expect more chances taken, more of a life lead, more happiness. One big stride I have taken is I don't get angry anymore, at least not as much as I used to. What the fuck do I care if someone says shit to me or about me or doesn't like me. I don't crave approval as much nor on as big as a scale. So all good things to come and a few have already. Change is progress my friends no matter how it pans out. Now if I could only grow a beard I'd be set. More to come people, I am finally ready to live the life I should have been.

So it goes,
Steve