"So this is Christmas and what have we done? Another year over and a new one's just begun."
What better way to begin the first part of my year end post. In this one I will go over my first semester of college and how I felt. The Second Part will be composed after New Year's and contain the usual, where I want to be in the coming year and my reflection on 2006 as a whole.
EPISODE ONE
One down, one semester down and one to go and then I bid a fond fuck you to Temple University. I have solidified my decision to transfer to Rutgers next fall, now I just play the waiting game. Words escape me as I try and describe my first semester. It was a whirlwind, and I know it is cliche to say but it seems like yesterday I was excited and giddy about my first day of school. As the semester rolled on I grew increasingly depressed and used school work as a distraction. It was the mix of loneliness and fear that put me in the saddest spot I have been since grade school. I have never had a long term girlfriend and even though I put myself out there nothing ever seems to click. That was probably the biggest factor of my depression, the fact that I had to endure victory tales of my friends about sexual exploits while the best I got was a random hook up here and there. I was in no way mad at my friends or blame them for telling the tales, I would have done the same. No, I hated myself. Surely it was I who was the cause and reason why no girl would have me. These feelings are not new to me and I reacted the same as I have always, with indifference. I become a shell of my true nature, numb to any of the extreme emotions. Love, hatred, passion, lust, all these eluded me and to a degree still do. This is the rebuilding of a wall that had been broken for at least the final stages of my high school career where I fond myself silently weeping for no reason and extremely irritated. After that I felt the best I ever have until this semester. I fear I am becoming the emotionally hollow boy I was for my teen years again. However this time is different, I don't want to become this shell...
Much More On the Next Post, I should be revived from many a party and hopefully some richer stories to tell.
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1 comment:
Steve.
You are the man. And I'm so glad that we've become as good a pair of friends as we have. If I'm thankful for anything that happened in this God-forsaken first semester, as 2006's final hours set behind the horizon of the future, it's that we've been there for each other. And as it was, as it shall be.
Whether we're both at RU next year or not.
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